Saturday, March 6, 2010

Food for thought

In about an hour from now, it will be 9 months to the moment that I heard of my husband's death. Today, it feels like it was yesterday. I have been nervous and anxious all day, and there are other factors creating these feelings as well... but I know that my loneliness and feelings of loss are playing a huge role in my mental state.

Sometimes, I really am fine. I accept the idea that I must move on and am taking the steps to do so by making plans for the future. This is healthy and I'm feeling good about where I am with that. I'll get to the point where I can finally believe this idea that I'm really going to be okay, and then I'll have a day (or a few days) like this. It knocks me flat and I end up feeling like I've taken about 20 steps back.

I start doubting myself, finding fault, becoming self-conscious and needy... and that's just not me... or at least it wasn't before a few years ago.

I really hope that I can get beyond this fragility soon. Ever since he went back to El Salvador I feel like I've questioned and questioned and questioned. I know that I had trust issues before him, but they are ugly and I want to let them go. I remember a time when I would confront feelings like jealousy with a kind, "thanks and goodbye, this is not what I'm looking for," because I was just not looking for games and drama. Now, my insecurities make me brood and hold on, hoping that the feelings will go away instead of actually doing something about it... and I still find myself actually thinking about the ridiculous things that his landlord alluded to, which I fundamentally know were lies... but those insecurities come into play again and for a while, I will actually wonder......

I don't like it one bit.

There has to be a way to get back to myself. I know I'm not broken.