Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Emotional development

Well, last Friday was my birthday, and it also marked the 5 month date of my husband's death. Such a strange combination of emotions I had that day.

My mother told me she heard Wish You Were Here on the radio the other day and started sobbing in the car. She says she will never be able to hear that song again without crying. I know Mi Amor's death impacted her, but I did not know how much until now.

I have been exploring my emotional options as of late. I had a few drinks with a male friend who I had not seen since the beginning of college and it was a good experience. It felt nice to be out, to be social, and to be talking with an attractive man. This was a safe outing, however, and there was no pressure for it to be anything more than just drinks, so I kind of took the easy way out with that one.

I don't know what I am and am not ready for emotionally, however. I have a friend with whom I have a very strong mutual connection and attraction and this friendship has been filling a void as of late. I am so conflicted, though. The part of me that wants so badly to live in the moment says, "just relax and have fun with it!" but there is another part of me that can find a million and a half reasons why I should take about 10 steps back.

I woke up yesterday morning to find that I'd taken off my left-hand ring (it is not my wedding ring... I could not put that on after my husband died... but I wear a ring in place of my wedding ring that my aunts gave me in memory of him). I freaked out a first and started searching the bed, trying to figure out what had happened to it. To my surprise, it was on my right hand. This really bothers me for some reason. A few people have suggested that perhaps it was Mi Amor telling me to let go and move on.

I wonder, though, is there a "proper" time to wait? It has been only 5 months, but it feels much longer since the last time I spent any time with him was at the end of last January. My love for him has not diminished in the least. If anything, it has grown and developed over the months since his death. I have let go of most of the anger and have stopped trying to find answers to questions that will never be answered. I easily and regularly focus on the positive memories we made and can see his actions in such a different light now. I feel secure in saying that I will love that man for as long as I walk this earth and no other man will ever, or should ever try to change that.

Part of me feels ready to, at the very least, open myself up to the possibilities, yet another part of me is absolutely terrified of that prospect.

We shall see.


Live Simply Love Strongly said...

I think it's okay to not fully understand what you are feeling. Just let yourself feel and be where it is that you are. I'm sure you will continue to learn about yourself and this new process of grieving and learning to live again.

Anonymous said...

God bless you and your Daughter. May your Husband rest in peace.

aighmeigh said...

LSLS & anon, thank you both so much. I appreciate your support more than I can convey.