Friday, February 19, 2010

Smoothing things out

We started going to Ele's Place when we returned from El Salvador and it has been a good experience so far. My situation is very different from a lot of the other spouses, but it is good to have that time set aside to talk. La Hija seems to enjoy it, and that's the most important part.

I am already planning my next trip down south. I miss it there. I miss my family and I miss the gentleman I spoke of in my last post. We have been talking regularly since my departure and our friendship has only grown. La Hija asks for him every day and talks to him regularly as well. Our relationship is a breath of fresh air. We are silly and laugh so much, but we tell each other everything... we are in very different places in our lives, but that seems to be ok at this point.

My late husband's sister is not doing well psychologically. She had been having problems since her brother died and they have not gotten any better. She was put under hospital observation last weekend after having some sort of sevre breakdown. I hope that things begin to smooth out for her. I could certainly tell that something was wrong when I was visiting the family. She secluded herself and her daughter for most of the day and began to think that the family members who were helping her were really out to get her. A few times she sat me down to talk about what I knew about my late husband's death and would not let the subject go until I was sobbing. A few times I tried to talk to her about getting some help (talking to someone or taking to a doctor about depression medications) but she said she was fine, even though I could see it in her eyes that she wasn't. It's sad.

I have been making an effort to start referring to my husband as "my late husband," which is probably pretty obvious by the last paragraph. I was trying to figure out what to call him. I feel like it's unhealthy to keep referring to him as my husband, especially if I am thinking about moving on emotionally. Calling him my husband means that I have *not* and *cannot* move on, at least in my mind. The only other term I'd remembered was "ex" and that doesn't seem to fit either (I realized this during the conversation I had with the immigration officer upon my return lol), so I actually had to look up how people refer to their deceased spouses on the internet! I felt so silly and ridiculous doing it, especially after I saw the term "late" because I coudln't believe I didn't remember that! Anyway, it seems to be working, but I have to remind myself all the time.


La Gringa said...

Just wanted to say hello. I've thought about you often even though I haven't had much time for blog reading in awhile. You and La Hija seem to be doing well and I'm so glad. Sorry to hear that your sister-in-law isn't doing so well. I hope that she will take your advice.

nadine said...

I'm reading your blog for the first time...very intense; and my heart goes out to you and your daughter. I am very concerned since my husband may be facing deportation after 25 years living in the states. We are not young anymore and i am caring for an aging parent and cannot leave. Our marriage would end not to mention I fear for his well being. Mi cunada lost her brother when he returned to Honduras. He was executed by who, we do not know. Reading your story; your loss and your recovery...well, it's so courageous - and thoughtful to share. I am glad to have found you and your blog and I hope you are finding peace and comfort in your life now.

aighmeigh said...

LG, thanks for swinging by! I think about you often as well, and have been keeping track of you as best as my schedule will allow. One of these days I'll have to comment instead of just reading!!

Nadine, please do not worry. If thee is one thing that I've learned from this whole deportation/separation experience, it's that love can endure if you are determine to allow it to do so. Does he still have family there? Friends that will help him find work? I think the big danger is not living there in general, but being a business owner or assocaited with a business owner. My husband refused to pay la renta and that was not a good idea. I am convinced that had he made some different choices with respect to the location of his business, things would be very different today. It is a beautiful country and I really love it there. The majority of the people there (gangsters obviously excluded) are incredibly welcoming and delightful to be around. Have faith that everything will work out, and you and your husband will make it work, however you must. My thoughts are with you and your family.

chicadedios25 said...

My thoughts are with you. I have not kept up on my blog reading and was shocked to see your post. You are one tough cookie and I admire you for carrying on for La hija.