Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Fright of an Open Future

The thing that keeps me up nights, the thing that I am having such a hard time with at this point, is the uncertainty. We had all of these plans. I knew where we were headed. A civil wedding in August to "legalize" our marriage. Finishing school. Teaching in El Salvador. Another baby in two years. A house, a garden, a business. Returning to the US when we had the money for an attorney.

It's all just... gone. I'm staying in school, and teaching in El Salvador is still one of the ideas I'm tossing around, but everything else... all those other plans... all those fantasy images have to fade because they can't happen.

At night, though, they come back to me and make me smile because they images were so lovely... and then I remember we buried him and I've spent as much time with him as I was allowed. There is no future with Mi Amor and that I'll have to make my own way.

This is what keeps me up.

3 comments:

Kadmiel said...

I am so sorry to hear all of this. I know you must be going through a terriable rough time. but want to let you know my family is here praying for you in el salvador in your time of need. and we will continue to do so please take care

mydearlizzy said...

I hope the good memories give you comfort, aighmeigh, because love never dies. And you have such a precious gift in your little girl.

How did it happen, aighmeigh?

aighmeigh said...

Kadmiel and Lizzy, I really appreciate all of the support you have given me during this time. I am certainly comforted by all of the wonderful memories of our years together and am learning, slowly, to accept that a future with him in body may not be possible, but I will always have him with me in my heart.