Thursday, July 2, 2009

Contemplations on healing

As I approach the one month marker of being without Mi Amor, I find myself growing more emotional, more nostalgic, and more determined to make sure that El Salvador and our family there stay an important and regular part of our lives. Mi Amor has a son, almost four years older than La Hija, whom I have never had the pleasure of meeting in person. I have asked Mi Hermana if she would help facilitate a meeting between us during out next visit so that Mi Amor's children can forge a relationship. I have also decided to keep up the tradition of sending him birthday and Christmas gifts, in memory of his father. I do not know how I feel about the possibility of meeting his mother, as she was the source of so much pain for Mi Amor, but I am civil and kind enough to put that aside in order to have a relationship with Mi Hijastro.

I am saving up to buy a headstone for Mi Amor's grave. Mi Tia paid for the funeral, the casket, and the burial--I wish I could find a way to show her how much I appreciate her kindness in taking care of him... of us in that manner. Part of me would like to offer to repay her once I have the money, but she told me Mi Amor asked her a long time ago to buy him his caja, and so there was a sense of keeping a promise in her acts. One day, something will come to me and I will know what to do.

I still speak of him in the present tense and I can't imagine how I can speak of him otherwise. One thing I know for certain is that I am a lucky woman. I met, loved, and was loved by my soul mate. Few people in the world can say that.


Live Simply Love Strongly said...

"I met, loved, and was loved by my soul mate. Few people can say that." So true. What a blessing!

aighmeigh said...

LSLS, it helps me to look at the positive aspects of my life, especially at times like this. Even in my darkest moments, that realization has kept me strong.

mydearlizzy said...

You are a wonderful example of bravery and kindness for your daughter and for all of us. Your husband was lucky too, to have been loved by you.

La Gringa said...

I wish I could give you a hug. Yes, you are being very brave. Not many can even imagine what you are going through.

Anonymous said...

I just got around to checking up on your blog. I read in disbelief. I'm so sorry for what has happened to you and your family. It was so shocking to read. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. I know you will stay strong in these dificult times. I know sometimes it may seem impossible but, when you look at your daughter you will see the reason to keep going. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Amanda Martinez

aighmeigh said...

Lizzy, thank you :)

LG, your words are as supportive as a hug :)

Amanda, La Hija is certainly my driving force at this point. I hope all is well with you!