Food for thought

In about an hour from now, it will be 9 months to the moment that I heard of my husband's death. Today, it feels like it was yesterday. I have been nervous and anxious all day, and there are other factors creating these feelings as well... but I know that my loneliness and feelings of loss are playing a huge role in my mental state.

Sometimes, I really am fine. I accept the idea that I must move on and am taking the steps to do so by making plans for the future. This is healthy and I'm feeling good about where I am with that. I'll get to the point where I can finally believe this idea that I'm really going to be okay, and then I'll have a day (or a few days) like this. It knocks me flat and I end up feeling like I've taken about 20 steps back.

I start doubting myself, finding fault, becoming self-conscious and needy... and that's just not me... or at least it wasn't before a few years ago.

I really hope that I can get beyond this fragility soon. Ever since he went back to El Salvador I feel like I've questioned and questioned and questioned. I know that I had trust issues before him, but they are ugly and I want to let them go. I remember a time when I would confront feelings like jealousy with a kind, "thanks and goodbye, this is not what I'm looking for," because I was just not looking for games and drama. Now, my insecurities make me brood and hold on, hoping that the feelings will go away instead of actually doing something about it... and I still find myself actually thinking about the ridiculous things that his landlord alluded to, which I fundamentally know were lies... but those insecurities come into play again and for a while, I will actually wonder......

I don't like it one bit.

There has to be a way to get back to myself. I know I'm not broken.

Craziness!

So, after all of that chaos, I ended up having something called Fifth Disease, a harmless (yet uncomfortable) childhood illness which I probably got from subbing. I'd never even heard of it before! I wasn't really sure that it was really what I had until La Hija came down with it the week before her birthday. The rash looked so horrible on her, but it really didn't seem to bother her. It was odd though, because she didn't get the rash until a week after she'd had the fever, while my fever broke and the next day I had the rash. Both of us got over the rash pretty quickly.

Mi Amor got a new job welding on a boat. He is at sea for long periods of time (we're talking months here) so it is extremely hard not talking to him frequently. I've been tossing around the idea of going to El Salvador again sooner rather than later because I am having such a hard time adjusting, but it's something we need to have a talk about. There's so much I'd need to consider.

I've been subbing a lot lately but that work is going to dry up soon so I've been applying for new jobs daily. I'm keeping the faith that something will come along... things always work out.

We had a Chuck E. Cheese b-day party for La Hija and she loved it. It's so amazing to me that she's 3 already. How time flies.

Holding up and holding on

Well, a lot has happened in the past few weeks. First I got sick. Really, really sick. Sicker than sick. More sick than I'd been in I don't know how long. We are still unsure if it was food poisoning or the flu, since my mom ended up sick 5 days later (a bit long for a flu transfer, don't you think?) and La Hija never got sick at all. The day after the night of the worst of it, I had to go to a meeting so I could begin subbing. That was a treat. Nothing like being nauseated during a 2 hour meeting with an auditorium full of people!! It was worth it though, since I finally got everything in order and began subbing last week! I also had my, first classroom observation experience, which was really interesting. It was much more exhausting than I'd imagined. Basically, it was like sitting in a lecture for 5 hours, because I was having to analyze and take notes the entire time.

I taught kindergarten yesterday and am actually physically sore! Whodathunkit??

I had one student who was most likely autistic, but it was never verified to me. We had a hard time at first because he couldn't deal with any sort of change in routine and was really acting out with me and the other students. I tried to talk with him and was incredibly patient when he needed to say things over and over again or when he got frustrated because he couldn't do something. Honestly, it reminded me of my daughter's "I wanna do it myself!" toddler behavior, but it was taking place in a 6 year old. I spent a lot of time defusing issues between him and the other children. It was rough.

At the end of class (this was AM kindergarten), he refused to do his work and was sitting in a chair away from the other students looking very mopey. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "I am just sad because I'm gonna miss you. You were very kind to me and most people are mean. I want you to go home with me!" and he started crying. I ran up to me and gave me this huge bear hug (he was strong!!) and cried and kept telling me how sad he was and asking when I could come back.

It was an emotional day.

In other news, business went really went over election weekend. Mi Amor tells me that our family is thrilled at the FMLN victory. Mi Amor was of the opinion that he didn't care as long as he made some money that weekend!

Trying to find work in Michigan

It just so happens that the vast majority of my family lives in one of the states with the highest unemployment rates in the country. So even though I've sent out over 40 resumes since I've been back, I've not had an interview. Now, I'm getting my ducks in a row to go to a meeting at the beginning of March which would allow me to substitute teach (which I would probably be able to do 5 days a week), so I'm not without options, but I wish I had something regular... even part time.

I'm trying not to get discouraged, especially since classes start next week... and my orientation is tomorrow through Friday.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember that things happens the way they are supposed to and that it isn't necessary to control everything in life.

Business isn't going as well at the new place as Mi Amor had hoped. Traffic is minimal because it has been really windy, and people don't tend to eat outside when the wind is whipping the dirt around at skin perforating speeds.

Regardless, we are both trying to keep our chins up.

I am also setting out on a quest for better health. I would like to have another child in the next in a couple year and that requires some serious lifestyle changes. I have set a goal for myself and am going to try to propose to Mi Amor that I be rewarded with another tattoo once that goal is reached. Here's hoping he agrees! It's been almost 6 years since my last set, and I'm beginning to really miss it!