I'm back!

The trip was amazing and I an opportunity for a lot of reflection, growth, and emotional progress. There were many surprises, not the least of which was my ability to open my heart to the possibility of another relationship. I don't think that this would be possible in a general sense, and by that I mean I have absolutely no interest in "dating" and the like, but I became very close with someone while I was there and very much enjoyed that connection.

There was a motif to the trip, seemingly echoed by everyone around me, and frequently repeated in my mind: The past is the past. Move on.

There were some dicey moments. The first time I went back to Sonsonate, for example, I broke down just from driving the same streets I used to drive with my husband. It was a vivid reminder of how close we came to making our life together work, and it was just all too much.

In the irony of all ironies, during another breakdown (actually two) I was comforted by my husband's ex. I imagine he was rolling over in his grave at that one! While it wasn't the most comfortable experience in the world for me, it was kind of her, and her presence meant that La Hija was getting to spend some time getting to know her brother, which was excellent.

I was not ready to leave, for so many reasons, and I know that Mi Vida Salvadoreña will continue. The plan is to return in July for 2 more weeks. I am saving my pennies already. I need more time there.

I have many stories and will write more soon.

Silencio

Somehow I made it through six months and his 31st birthday with my mind intact (or as intact as in ever was)... When we return from El Salvador we are going to start going to these group meetings for families who have lost close loved ones. There are separate group meetings for pre-K kids and adults who have lost spouses/partners, so it will be great that La Hija will be in a position to know that she is not the only one whose daddy is in heaven. I called to get some more info about the organization and the meetings and became very upset at the prospect of actually sitting down with other people who have lost spouses/partners. It dawned on me that I really just haven't been dealing with it. I've thrown myself into work, into school, into keeping my child happy, into enjoying a budding friendship, into any and everything imaginable except dealing with the fact that my husband was murdered. I can talk about it like it has no effect on me, I can push it out of my mind or remove myself from it so much that I don't have to deal with the emotions that go along with it. I know that going down to El Salvador, buying and having his gravestone installed, and spending my first extended visit down there without him will all serve to help me realize (with more clarity) that he is gone, but I think that going to these group meetings (I'm guessing it's akin to group therapy) will help me deal with it even more... my biggest fear is that not dealing with it will eventually build up and cause a true break.