Smoothing things out

We started going to Ele's Place when we returned from El Salvador and it has been a good experience so far. My situation is very different from a lot of the other spouses, but it is good to have that time set aside to talk. La Hija seems to enjoy it, and that's the most important part.

I am already planning my next trip down south. I miss it there. I miss my family and I miss the gentleman I spoke of in my last post. We have been talking regularly since my departure and our friendship has only grown. La Hija asks for him every day and talks to him regularly as well. Our relationship is a breath of fresh air. We are silly and laugh so much, but we tell each other everything... we are in very different places in our lives, but that seems to be ok at this point.

My late husband's sister is not doing well psychologically. She had been having problems since her brother died and they have not gotten any better. She was put under hospital observation last weekend after having some sort of sevre breakdown. I hope that things begin to smooth out for her. I could certainly tell that something was wrong when I was visiting the family. She secluded herself and her daughter for most of the day and began to think that the family members who were helping her were really out to get her. A few times she sat me down to talk about what I knew about my late husband's death and would not let the subject go until I was sobbing. A few times I tried to talk to her about getting some help (talking to someone or taking to a doctor about depression medications) but she said she was fine, even though I could see it in her eyes that she wasn't. It's sad.

I have been making an effort to start referring to my husband as "my late husband," which is probably pretty obvious by the last paragraph. I was trying to figure out what to call him. I feel like it's unhealthy to keep referring to him as my husband, especially if I am thinking about moving on emotionally. Calling him my husband means that I have *not* and *cannot* move on, at least in my mind. The only other term I'd remembered was "ex" and that doesn't seem to fit either (I realized this during the conversation I had with the immigration officer upon my return lol), so I actually had to look up how people refer to their deceased spouses on the internet! I felt so silly and ridiculous doing it, especially after I saw the term "late" because I coudln't believe I didn't remember that! Anyway, it seems to be working, but I have to remind myself all the time.

Silencio

Somehow I made it through six months and his 31st birthday with my mind intact (or as intact as in ever was)... When we return from El Salvador we are going to start going to these group meetings for families who have lost close loved ones. There are separate group meetings for pre-K kids and adults who have lost spouses/partners, so it will be great that La Hija will be in a position to know that she is not the only one whose daddy is in heaven. I called to get some more info about the organization and the meetings and became very upset at the prospect of actually sitting down with other people who have lost spouses/partners. It dawned on me that I really just haven't been dealing with it. I've thrown myself into work, into school, into keeping my child happy, into enjoying a budding friendship, into any and everything imaginable except dealing with the fact that my husband was murdered. I can talk about it like it has no effect on me, I can push it out of my mind or remove myself from it so much that I don't have to deal with the emotions that go along with it. I know that going down to El Salvador, buying and having his gravestone installed, and spending my first extended visit down there without him will all serve to help me realize (with more clarity) that he is gone, but I think that going to these group meetings (I'm guessing it's akin to group therapy) will help me deal with it even more... my biggest fear is that not dealing with it will eventually build up and cause a true break.

Es Oficial!!

Tickets have been purchased and La Hija and I are headed down to El Salvador again for Nuevo Año! Originally, I'd thought I needed to return by January 5 for school, but it turns out we aren't back in session until the 19th! That brought down ticket prices about $350 each, so I bought our tickets last night after speaking with Mi Prima.

I had not heard Mi Prima's voice since we left El Salvador after the funeral, so we were both so excited. A bunch of hysterically happy women screeching in Spanglish. It was hilarious! So, La Hija and I will be there for a full 17 days, and I couldn't be happier. I'd asked if that was too long and Mi Tia said we could live there forever--I told her to be careful what she wishes for :)

This is a huge bright spot for me. I know it will be difficult, but the holidays will be difficult in general. I am just so thankful that I will continue to spend holiday time with Mi Familia--both American and Salvadoran.

Over a year?

It's amazing to think that I've had this blog for over one year now. Amazing how drastically life can change in that short a period of time. Mi familia invited me to continue the yearly trip to El Salvador for Nuevo Año. Tickets are very expensive at this point, so I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to swing it, but feels good that there is the possibility for the tradition to continue.

This weekend I arranged for two coins that Mi Amor had given me to be made into pendants for me and Mi Hermana. I thought that would be a good gift for Navidad. I have very few material possessions left from Mi Amor because most of our stuff was stolen in the day between Mi Amor's death and our visit to la casa. This is difficult for me because I know the strength of my emotional attachments to my father's belongings (He died when I was two. It is my hope that La Hija will have actual memories of her father, where I have none), and I have so few items to pass on to our daughter. I have maintained that the material items are not important, because ultimately they are not. This realization does not take away the feeling of violation, nor does it make it any easier to not have any more than a few shirts to pass on.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful long weekend.

What I remember

The other day, I had a sudden flash of a memory. The small, round scar on his chest, surrounded by otherwise baby-smooth skin. It was not discolored, just raised, and I don't remember the story behind it.

He had many scars, both physical and emotional, and I always tried to be gentle with him. Their stories often horrified me--it was so often unfathomable that such a sweet, kind, and funny man endured so much trauma in his life... traumas so intense that they left their marks all over his body and mind.

I tried my hardest to heal the wounds that festered underneath his hardened skin, and for the last few years of our time together, I think I was at least somewhat successful.

But I remember those scars, and their stories... his smooth caramel skin... the warm, earthy smell of his hair after he'd come home from a long day of work... the strength of his rough, worker hands and how they made me feel so safe when they held mine.

And I also remember the little nagging fear that I'd lose him... that he wouldn't come home one day... that no one would know where he was.

I remember waking up nights when he had not yet come home, frantic with worry, unable to go back to sleep, just waiting and waiting for the sound of our truck... the sound of the door... anything to tell me that he was okay.

I remember the combination of relief and anger I'd feel upon his return, the desire to scream at him and hug him all at once... and how exhausted we both were those days: he from work and I from tossing, turning, crying, and praying all night.

There are so many things I remember, yet there are still so many things I do not know. The last month or so of his life, even though we spoke daily, feels like such a mystery to me--and one that will likely remain so. I only hope that while I reinforce the memories, the mystery fades.

Through all of the chaos

Somehow I am finding some sort of comfort these days. The tears are less frequent and, while I still have no clue where we are headed, I know that we will be okay.

Three of us in the family have been having dreams about Mi Amor, and strangely enough, he seems to be wearing the same sort of clothes in everyone's dreams. Last week at some point I had a dream about him (he was wearing a black and white striped shirt)... in my dream he came back and said he was still alive, that it was all a big misunderstanding and that everything was fine and I didn't have to worry. The next day I got an email from Mi Prima saying that her husband woke up the night before and thought he saw Mi Amor, in a black and white striped shirt, walking around by the window outside the house. That same night, Mi Primo had a dream of Mi Amor, wearing the same thing, where he was trying to explain about and describe the people who killed him. I have not had any of those eerily vivid dreams since, and I'm not complaining about that. I woke up so confused that for a second I wanted to try to call him.

I have been regularly talking with a good friend of Mi Amor and Mi Primo. He is such a comfort to me and he makes me laugh. There are so few connections to Mi Amor here, other than our daughter of course, so it is nice to speak with someone (an adult) who knows how I feel and what a good man he was. Plus, I get to practice my Spanish, which is a great thing.

Earlier this week I sent out a couple of packages to Mi Familia. I'd put together some photo albums, mostly of Mi Amor and La Hija, threw in a few framed recent photos of La Hija, and my mom and I embroidered some cloth napkins for them to hang or put on tables or whatever. It feels good to have finally gotten them out.

Two weeks ago I got a new job teaching Lit at a voc. ed. school. It has been a lot of fun so far and it's nice to get back to work. I hope that I will be able to pick up some more classes next quarter and eek out a living between that and subbing. I'm staying with my aunt most of the time and have decided to put La Hija in preschool/day care out here. I've been looking for places so we could live on our own, but it would be a huge struggle to make ends meet, so my aunt has said we can stay as long as we need and want to. Thank God for my supportive family.

There is more I want to talk about, but I need to sort it all out in my head before I write it down here.

The long road...

I am still struggling with this. I want to be able to say that it's gotten a bit easier, but I can't. My aunt (or technically, my second cousin) passed away last week and the funeral was on Sunday.

I was a ball of anxiety, jumping the whole drive there every time someone's breaks went on. A bundle of nerves.

At the interment, La Hija (who came along) was talking with her Nuh-Nuh about what was happening and I heard my mom say, "She is in heaven now, with your daddy," and it took all my strength not to lose it.

The things that struck me most, at least the detached and objective part of me that takes over when it's too much for me to handle, is how drastically different funerals are in El Salvador. Beyond the two day, pre-burial, almost shiva-like, in-home viewing and visiting period, the funerals there are just so much more... real. There is no attempt at hiding or prettying up the grave-site. No tarp over the dirt, no trying to hide the hole, no fancy contraption to lower the casket. There was a hole, a mound of dirt, some slabs of cement, some rope, and four men. I watched as they lowered his casket into the ground, praying no one would let the rope slip. Mi Compadre was watching them like a hawk, making sure everything was done properly. The last thing I saw was them lay the cement slabs down on top of the casket. Then, a family friend (very close to a Tio to me) and one of Mi Amor's closest friends (who sang "Wish You Were Here" at the grave site per my request... talk about a meltdown for me--it was one of our favorite songs during the time we spent apart) took me aside and told me I should leave because I needed to let it go and there was nothing else to see.

It was all so raw, but in some ways I think it was better. We pretty up death to make it less scary for us, but I'm not scared of dying, death, or the afterlife. My problem is missing people once they're gone.

Contemplations on healing

As I approach the one month marker of being without Mi Amor, I find myself growing more emotional, more nostalgic, and more determined to make sure that El Salvador and our family there stay an important and regular part of our lives. Mi Amor has a son, almost four years older than La Hija, whom I have never had the pleasure of meeting in person. I have asked Mi Hermana if she would help facilitate a meeting between us during out next visit so that Mi Amor's children can forge a relationship. I have also decided to keep up the tradition of sending him birthday and Christmas gifts, in memory of his father. I do not know how I feel about the possibility of meeting his mother, as she was the source of so much pain for Mi Amor, but I am civil and kind enough to put that aside in order to have a relationship with Mi Hijastro.

I am saving up to buy a headstone for Mi Amor's grave. Mi Tia paid for the funeral, the casket, and the burial--I wish I could find a way to show her how much I appreciate her kindness in taking care of him... of us in that manner. Part of me would like to offer to repay her once I have the money, but she told me Mi Amor asked her a long time ago to buy him his caja, and so there was a sense of keeping a promise in her acts. One day, something will come to me and I will know what to do.

I still speak of him in the present tense and I can't imagine how I can speak of him otherwise. One thing I know for certain is that I am a lucky woman. I met, loved, and was loved by my soul mate. Few people in the world can say that.

What happened...

This is not an attempt to scare anyone away from El Salvador. I love that country and the people in it. This is something that could have happened in any major city in any country in the world.

I have taken most of the following from a journal post. This is what happened:

On June 6, 2009, as he was working at his taquirea, my husband was killed. Someone came up behind him as he was preparing food for some customers and shot him seven times. Seven. Once behind the ear, two in the arm, and four in the torso. Seven.

Crime of opportunity, the police assume. His watch was gone, there was no money on him. They made sure to leave his ID, though. Thank God for that. My worst fear was that something would happen to him and no one would ever know.

He was an amazing man. Hard working and loving beyond words. Everything he did, he did for us so we could make our dreams a reality. He knew it was dangerous where he was, but went there anyway because he made good money there and he just needed to make it through until September when the next boat left.

La Hija and I were to head down in August so we could finally have our civil ceremony down there and have both of our governments recognize our marriage... so we could start working on getting him back into the states.

I spoke with him the day he died... I told him I love him, and I am so thankful for that.

Now, I am numb. I try to keep it together for La Hija, but that isn't always possible. Every once in a while, when I realize I will never hear is voice again, never feel his touch, see his smile... when I realize that the one person I could tell anything, the one person I went to when I needed to breathe is no longer there, I feel lost and scared. And then I look at our daughter and see him and realize I need to get it together and take care of her.

I just miss him. I really miss him.

This event in my life, as horrible as it is, will in no way keep me from going back. In fact, I think it may just make me fight that much harder to get there, since it will have to be on my own. I will return to spend time with my family. Perhaps someday I will return and work at one of the private schools. I will return though. That much, I know for a fact.

The Fright of an Open Future

The thing that keeps me up nights, the thing that I am having such a hard time with at this point, is the uncertainty. We had all of these plans. I knew where we were headed. A civil wedding in August to "legalize" our marriage. Finishing school. Teaching in El Salvador. Another baby in two years. A house, a garden, a business. Returning to the US when we had the money for an attorney.

It's all just... gone. I'm staying in school, and teaching in El Salvador is still one of the ideas I'm tossing around, but everything else... all those other plans... all those fantasy images have to fade because they can't happen.

At night, though, they come back to me and make me smile because they images were so lovely... and then I remember we buried him and I've spent as much time with him as I was allowed. There is no future with Mi Amor and that I'll have to make my own way.

This is what keeps me up.

Thank You.

We are home and I am exhausted. I will write about it--put it into words with the hope that it will help clear my head.

Thank you for your words of support. I am so touched by how people have reached out to me and feel so blessed to have the sort of encouragement and kindness in my life.

Right now, I feel the hardest part is over and now I just have to figure out where to go from here.

One thing is for certain: this is not the end of mi vida Salvadoreña. This I promise to myself, Mi Amor, La Hija, and all of mi familia en El Salvador.

...

I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I feel so useless. So lost. So confused.

We had plans.

I talked with him today.

I can't stop crying. Can't stop thinking. Can't figure out why this is happening after we got so close.

How do I explain this to our daughter? How do I press on through this?

The language barrier is so frustrating. I need an explanation. Need to know what the hell happened, although I'm quite sure I don't want to know.

All these dreams... all these plans... everything went *poof* and my vision of our future is impossible. No more time together... no more hugs and kisses... no more laughter... no more children together... no growing old with him.

It just doesn't make sense... and I'm so tired.

Not much more to say.

I don't know how much more I will be able to write here. Mi Amor's sister just called and I heard little more than muerto.

I don't have any more information than that right now.

This is not what was supposed to happen.
This makes no sense.

I am waiting for phone calls so I can go down there.
Trying to figure out whether or not to bring La Hija.
Trying to figure out what to do without my other half.

My mother was widowed at 30.
This was not supposed to happen.
We were going to make it
We were going to overcome.
Figure it out.
Have our family.

I will update when I can.

Craziness!

So, after all of that chaos, I ended up having something called Fifth Disease, a harmless (yet uncomfortable) childhood illness which I probably got from subbing. I'd never even heard of it before! I wasn't really sure that it was really what I had until La Hija came down with it the week before her birthday. The rash looked so horrible on her, but it really didn't seem to bother her. It was odd though, because she didn't get the rash until a week after she'd had the fever, while my fever broke and the next day I had the rash. Both of us got over the rash pretty quickly.

Mi Amor got a new job welding on a boat. He is at sea for long periods of time (we're talking months here) so it is extremely hard not talking to him frequently. I've been tossing around the idea of going to El Salvador again sooner rather than later because I am having such a hard time adjusting, but it's something we need to have a talk about. There's so much I'd need to consider.

I've been subbing a lot lately but that work is going to dry up soon so I've been applying for new jobs daily. I'm keeping the faith that something will come along... things always work out.

We had a Chuck E. Cheese b-day party for La Hija and she loved it. It's so amazing to me that she's 3 already. How time flies.

Much on my mind

School is taking up a lot of my time these days. I forgot how much they can pack on the work and, of course, I'm a perfectionist, so assignments take me forever.

We drove down to Indiana this week for an interview at school. Evidently, I have some masochistic students and I am one of the nominees for adjunct instructor of the year. Between the prep work (an essay) I had to do for that, school work, and two days of driving, I was more than exhausted by the end of the week. I am going to try to get some sleep tonight. My stress level is a bit too high at present.

La Hija has been so testy lately. She gets angry and yells, "I miss my Daddy!!"

On one level, I know that she is pushing buttons because she does the same thing with just about everyone (Nuh-nuh, Papa, her aunts and uncles, grandma, grandpa... just about anyone who is not present. Heck, she will even tell me that she misses her mommy--and then she catches herself and laughs), but I also know there is truth to that.

I had hoped we could go back by May, but my aunt is getting married this summer and I need to be there, so it's looking like August now. I can't afford to be flying back and forth, pretending it doesn't cost ridiculous amounts of money.

I miss Mi Amor as well. We talk almost daily, but I miss his hugs. I miss kidding with him and laughing and seeing his smile. I miss watching him with his daughter. I miss helping him with the business.

Speaking of that, things are getting better, very slowly. He is making about half of what he needs to be making in order to support us. He says the economy is even worse there right now--which is something I can't even imagine. It doesn't surprise me though--they are dollarized. Their economy hinges on ours.

I have been thinking so much about starting up a business, but I have no idea how to begin learning about such things. I will need to learn about creating a business plan and all of those basics, and then I would need to figure out how to finance such a venture--even though it would take far less money to pull it off in El Salvador than it would elsewhere.

I'll put it on the list of things to do while I'm here.

Brrrrr!!

Well, we are back in the frigid north... and I am here with very mixed feelings. Certainly, I am happy to be with people I love and who care enough for us in return to take us in during our time of need. I also know this was the best thing for our family. I am, however, seriously lamenting the fact that this had to happen in the first place. I want to be home and La Hija, while very excited to be with her Nuhnuh, keeps saying she wants to go home to El Salvador.

I had to buy some warm clothes yesterday, as I was seriously lacking in that department. I've got a ton of work clothes (definitely a good thing) but not so many items of casual winter clothes. Indiana was not as cold as Michigan.

Mi Amor is in the middle of working a 2 week long festival, and I really hope it is going well. We are hoping this will give him the financial leg up he needs to get ready to relocate, and the relocation will allow us to return much more quickly.

In the meantime, I'm applying for jobs and hope to be able to get out to campus today to get info on when I can start school.

In other news, there is an 80 degree difference between here and El Salvador.

I am cold.

The next major task

We are headed back to the US on Tuesday morning, so I've got a bit of work ahead of me. Mostly, I need to figure out what essentials I need to bring with us so that we can have what we need and still have plenty of room in our suitcases to bring more stuff back with us upon our return. I also have to get boxes together to pack up La Hija's toys so that they don't get too dirty in the coming months.

I've started packing what I know I'll need: my work clothes and shoes, as well as La Hija's long pants and sneakers. I want to bring back as little as possible.

This trip back is so interesting because Mi Amor and I have completely changed roles. Upon prior departures, Mi Amor was always the one in need of reassurance. I was always the one saying, "We'll be back in May... it'll go by fast!" This time around, I'm the one needing to hear that this will only be a short trip home. Mi Amor is confident that we can come back by May, and I truly hope he's right. In the meantime, I'm just going to do whatever I can to bring as many positive things out of this situation as possible. At the very least, I plan to make some money, spend some time with the family, work on getting my teaching license and start formulating a TOEFL curriculum for my return.

Incidentally, the new English school I wrote of previously is very literally new. In fact, they haven't even started hiring teachers yet. I will be sending them a resume in the hopes of having something, even a part-time something, do to if we are still located here upon our return.

We are taking a rather strange flight this time around. We are first flying to Managua, then to the US. There is a mere 30 minutes between when our flight is to land in Managua and when our flight to the US departs, so there is a chance we'll be spending some time there. Gotta love adventures. I'm trying not to worry about what will happen if we are stranded in Nicaragua for a night... we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Here and There

There are many differences between life in El Salvador and in the US. The differences are most prevalent in with respect to every day household matters. In the US, I was used to lots of storage space, a pretty much all enclosed living space, hot water, and laundromat laundry. Let's just say I was spoiled.

Closets/Storage Space
Most houses in El Salvador don't have closets and have very little, if any, storage space. The house we are in how actually has a rather large closet in the master bedroom, but this is the first house we've been in a with a closet. You either have to go out and buy wardrobes, put all your clothes in a dresser. We bought a bought a nice dresser that is about 4 ft. across, has a mirror, two locking drawers and three long drawers for $130. It was well worth it, and a bargain by American standards, as it is first piece of particle-board-free furniture that I've owned in I don't know how long. Kitchens also seriously lack storage. There are typically no cabinets, cupboards or drawers, so you're left to your own devices for storage there as well. We've solved this problem by using these shallow, stacking, plastic bins... they work well just about everywhere and run about $13 a pop.

(Literally) Open Floor Plans
One thing that I've noticed about almost every house we've lived in or been in here, is that some part of it is open to the elements. Typically, there is a courtyard or patio or small back yard--mostly because you need somewhere to do the wash! Right now, our home is completely open--as in every room opens to the outside and we have a rather large courtyard with a mango tree in the center. It's nice because it provides a decent amount of space, and gives Mi Amor room to work... it does, however, still have its problems.



The courtyard is tiled with outdoor brick-like tiles, and we have a few flower beds, so we're not talking about living around a lot of dirt. You wouldn't know it though! I have to sweep the living areas of our house every morning and mop every other morning, just to keep the place remotely clean. It's still a constant battle. The dirt just finds its way everywhere! It's not as bad as the last house, which somehow attracted this horrible film of black dirt every morning, but still. This constant battle with the elements and dirt is one thing I really have a hard time with. I get frustrated at times because it feels like everything gets dirty just as soon as I clean it.

Hot Water
There is none, unless it's warmed by the sun. This is something I've gotten used to, but I think I'll be investing in a one of these at some point because the water is just too cold in the morning. Mi Amor stresses that it's good for the body, and I'm sure it is. It's just not good for my mind!! All dish and clothes washing done at home is done in cold water, and is leaving my hands rather... rough.



While we are lucky enough to have a separate sink in the kitchen, where we do some of the wash, most of the dishes and all of our hand washed laundry is done in the sink above. On the left is a large water reservoir, which is convenient when the water pressure is nil during the day (which actually hasn't happened for a while). The downside to these reservoirs (there are typically large reservoirs in the shower area too) is that they are breeding grounds for mosquitoes and need to be emptied and cleaned weekly. On the right is a basin where the wash is actually done.

The other problem with no hot water is figuring out how to bathe children.



La Hija is not a fan of the cold water, so I've taken to trying to make it play time for her. The water gets warm from the sun, and it's typically hot enough to make cool water feel more than refreshing. We still haven't gotten to a point where she will let me wash her hair without a fight, though.

Overall, I'm really fine with the differences. I may be bringing back some less harsh dish detergent, however. My hands feel like sandpaper

Buena suerte??

So I was walking to the corner market and what did I see? Signs for a new English language school in town! IN TOWN!! We're going to check them out tomorrow to see if they are hiring and what the pay would be. This isn't going to solve our money problems and prevent me from having to return to the states for a bit, but it could very well make it possible for us to return much more quickly.

Tomorrow we are planning a family day. We may go to the beach or perhaps just roam around--the point being we're getting out to do something other than work or take care of household business. Well... we have to go grocery shopping too, but as long as we do something else besides that, I'll be happy.

We are very low on food and I had no meat to cook for Mi Amor's lunch today, so I used what we had and made some egg salad. Unbeknownst to me, he'd never had it before and is now a huge fan. I was also told that I make better rice than his Tia... and that, my friends, is one of the biggest compliments I've ever gotten!! :)

Sorting it out and other nonsensical ramblings

Things are coming together.

(Again)

Yes, La Hija and I are still returning to the states on a temporary basis, but Mi Amor and I have a time line and some goals we've set out.

We also have a plan B, so we can make sure this is temporary and a few months doesn't turn into another 2 year separation.

We've also decided that I am going to go back to school to get my teaching certification. I can do most of the program online, and when it comes time for me to do my student teaching, La Hija and I will again return to the states for a semester. This will allow me to get a much higher paying teaching job down here than the one I'll have in a few months.

Local governmental elections are tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. Interestingly enough, we had amazing water pressure during the day today, which is very unusual. We decided it was all too convenient that the day before elections we've got water galore.

Mi Amor is going to work in the morning to take advantage of having a bunch of hungry voters around, and we hope to have a little BBQ with his sister and her daughter in the afternoon. Monday he has a new employee starting. Here's hoping this one likes the work and sticks around.

Speaking of employment, the woman who cleaned our house a few weeks ago came back the other day!! I was so excited--both because she does a great job and that makes keeping it all up easier during the week, and because La Hija really enjoys playing with her daughter... not to mention that it gave me a little bit of faith in people taking advantage of the opportunities presented to them. I'm curious if she will come again this week.

Last but not least, I'm still waiting for the mangoes to ripen. I hope I get to taste at least one before I go. We've used some of them already with salt and limón, but I really want a nice, sweet mango!!