Silencio

Somehow I made it through six months and his 31st birthday with my mind intact (or as intact as in ever was)... When we return from El Salvador we are going to start going to these group meetings for families who have lost close loved ones. There are separate group meetings for pre-K kids and adults who have lost spouses/partners, so it will be great that La Hija will be in a position to know that she is not the only one whose daddy is in heaven. I called to get some more info about the organization and the meetings and became very upset at the prospect of actually sitting down with other people who have lost spouses/partners. It dawned on me that I really just haven't been dealing with it. I've thrown myself into work, into school, into keeping my child happy, into enjoying a budding friendship, into any and everything imaginable except dealing with the fact that my husband was murdered. I can talk about it like it has no effect on me, I can push it out of my mind or remove myself from it so much that I don't have to deal with the emotions that go along with it. I know that going down to El Salvador, buying and having his gravestone installed, and spending my first extended visit down there without him will all serve to help me realize (with more clarity) that he is gone, but I think that going to these group meetings (I'm guessing it's akin to group therapy) will help me deal with it even more... my biggest fear is that not dealing with it will eventually build up and cause a true break.

Holding up and holding on

Well, a lot has happened in the past few weeks. First I got sick. Really, really sick. Sicker than sick. More sick than I'd been in I don't know how long. We are still unsure if it was food poisoning or the flu, since my mom ended up sick 5 days later (a bit long for a flu transfer, don't you think?) and La Hija never got sick at all. The day after the night of the worst of it, I had to go to a meeting so I could begin subbing. That was a treat. Nothing like being nauseated during a 2 hour meeting with an auditorium full of people!! It was worth it though, since I finally got everything in order and began subbing last week! I also had my, first classroom observation experience, which was really interesting. It was much more exhausting than I'd imagined. Basically, it was like sitting in a lecture for 5 hours, because I was having to analyze and take notes the entire time.

I taught kindergarten yesterday and am actually physically sore! Whodathunkit??

I had one student who was most likely autistic, but it was never verified to me. We had a hard time at first because he couldn't deal with any sort of change in routine and was really acting out with me and the other students. I tried to talk with him and was incredibly patient when he needed to say things over and over again or when he got frustrated because he couldn't do something. Honestly, it reminded me of my daughter's "I wanna do it myself!" toddler behavior, but it was taking place in a 6 year old. I spent a lot of time defusing issues between him and the other children. It was rough.

At the end of class (this was AM kindergarten), he refused to do his work and was sitting in a chair away from the other students looking very mopey. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "I am just sad because I'm gonna miss you. You were very kind to me and most people are mean. I want you to go home with me!" and he started crying. I ran up to me and gave me this huge bear hug (he was strong!!) and cried and kept telling me how sad he was and asking when I could come back.

It was an emotional day.

In other news, business went really went over election weekend. Mi Amor tells me that our family is thrilled at the FMLN victory. Mi Amor was of the opinion that he didn't care as long as he made some money that weekend!

Poverty and work opportunities

One thing about people here that already astonishes me the fact that people are poor, sometimes unimaginably so, but so many of those same people have no desire to keep a regular job. For example, Mi Amor wanted to hire this woman to clean our house once a week and he was going to pay her more than what she was asking. In addition, we fed both her and her daughter when they were here. She had agreed to come back the next week, but just never showed.

Example #2, there have been a string of people working for our business. People will start working hard and then one day just not show up... or they'll say they're coming back and just leave (after getting paid, of course). The latest employee was a young man who La Hija just adored. He was working out well for the past week or so... and Mi Amor kind of took him under his wing, even buying him some new shoes. Today, he just didn't show up. After tracking him down by phone, he said he couldn't work anymore because his Tia didn't want him to... but he had no intention of calling to tell anyone that. Talk about burning bridges!!

Call me crazy, but I just don't understand how or why people with such economic hardship look at work so casually. The mentality seems to be I'll get enough money to get us through the next few days and then I'll worry about money again. This mentality is everywhere and I really wish I had some insight as to why it is the way it is.

Mi Amor has no answers for this one either. It angers him as much as it frustrates and mystifies me.

That is just insane to me. I just don't get it.