Silencio

Somehow I made it through six months and his 31st birthday with my mind intact (or as intact as in ever was)... When we return from El Salvador we are going to start going to these group meetings for families who have lost close loved ones. There are separate group meetings for pre-K kids and adults who have lost spouses/partners, so it will be great that La Hija will be in a position to know that she is not the only one whose daddy is in heaven. I called to get some more info about the organization and the meetings and became very upset at the prospect of actually sitting down with other people who have lost spouses/partners. It dawned on me that I really just haven't been dealing with it. I've thrown myself into work, into school, into keeping my child happy, into enjoying a budding friendship, into any and everything imaginable except dealing with the fact that my husband was murdered. I can talk about it like it has no effect on me, I can push it out of my mind or remove myself from it so much that I don't have to deal with the emotions that go along with it. I know that going down to El Salvador, buying and having his gravestone installed, and spending my first extended visit down there without him will all serve to help me realize (with more clarity) that he is gone, but I think that going to these group meetings (I'm guessing it's akin to group therapy) will help me deal with it even more... my biggest fear is that not dealing with it will eventually build up and cause a true break.

Through all of the chaos

Somehow I am finding some sort of comfort these days. The tears are less frequent and, while I still have no clue where we are headed, I know that we will be okay.

Three of us in the family have been having dreams about Mi Amor, and strangely enough, he seems to be wearing the same sort of clothes in everyone's dreams. Last week at some point I had a dream about him (he was wearing a black and white striped shirt)... in my dream he came back and said he was still alive, that it was all a big misunderstanding and that everything was fine and I didn't have to worry. The next day I got an email from Mi Prima saying that her husband woke up the night before and thought he saw Mi Amor, in a black and white striped shirt, walking around by the window outside the house. That same night, Mi Primo had a dream of Mi Amor, wearing the same thing, where he was trying to explain about and describe the people who killed him. I have not had any of those eerily vivid dreams since, and I'm not complaining about that. I woke up so confused that for a second I wanted to try to call him.

I have been regularly talking with a good friend of Mi Amor and Mi Primo. He is such a comfort to me and he makes me laugh. There are so few connections to Mi Amor here, other than our daughter of course, so it is nice to speak with someone (an adult) who knows how I feel and what a good man he was. Plus, I get to practice my Spanish, which is a great thing.

Earlier this week I sent out a couple of packages to Mi Familia. I'd put together some photo albums, mostly of Mi Amor and La Hija, threw in a few framed recent photos of La Hija, and my mom and I embroidered some cloth napkins for them to hang or put on tables or whatever. It feels good to have finally gotten them out.

Two weeks ago I got a new job teaching Lit at a voc. ed. school. It has been a lot of fun so far and it's nice to get back to work. I hope that I will be able to pick up some more classes next quarter and eek out a living between that and subbing. I'm staying with my aunt most of the time and have decided to put La Hija in preschool/day care out here. I've been looking for places so we could live on our own, but it would be a huge struggle to make ends meet, so my aunt has said we can stay as long as we need and want to. Thank God for my supportive family.

There is more I want to talk about, but I need to sort it all out in my head before I write it down here.

Contemplations on healing

As I approach the one month marker of being without Mi Amor, I find myself growing more emotional, more nostalgic, and more determined to make sure that El Salvador and our family there stay an important and regular part of our lives. Mi Amor has a son, almost four years older than La Hija, whom I have never had the pleasure of meeting in person. I have asked Mi Hermana if she would help facilitate a meeting between us during out next visit so that Mi Amor's children can forge a relationship. I have also decided to keep up the tradition of sending him birthday and Christmas gifts, in memory of his father. I do not know how I feel about the possibility of meeting his mother, as she was the source of so much pain for Mi Amor, but I am civil and kind enough to put that aside in order to have a relationship with Mi Hijastro.

I am saving up to buy a headstone for Mi Amor's grave. Mi Tia paid for the funeral, the casket, and the burial--I wish I could find a way to show her how much I appreciate her kindness in taking care of him... of us in that manner. Part of me would like to offer to repay her once I have the money, but she told me Mi Amor asked her a long time ago to buy him his caja, and so there was a sense of keeping a promise in her acts. One day, something will come to me and I will know what to do.

I still speak of him in the present tense and I can't imagine how I can speak of him otherwise. One thing I know for certain is that I am a lucky woman. I met, loved, and was loved by my soul mate. Few people in the world can say that.

Holding up and holding on

Well, a lot has happened in the past few weeks. First I got sick. Really, really sick. Sicker than sick. More sick than I'd been in I don't know how long. We are still unsure if it was food poisoning or the flu, since my mom ended up sick 5 days later (a bit long for a flu transfer, don't you think?) and La Hija never got sick at all. The day after the night of the worst of it, I had to go to a meeting so I could begin subbing. That was a treat. Nothing like being nauseated during a 2 hour meeting with an auditorium full of people!! It was worth it though, since I finally got everything in order and began subbing last week! I also had my, first classroom observation experience, which was really interesting. It was much more exhausting than I'd imagined. Basically, it was like sitting in a lecture for 5 hours, because I was having to analyze and take notes the entire time.

I taught kindergarten yesterday and am actually physically sore! Whodathunkit??

I had one student who was most likely autistic, but it was never verified to me. We had a hard time at first because he couldn't deal with any sort of change in routine and was really acting out with me and the other students. I tried to talk with him and was incredibly patient when he needed to say things over and over again or when he got frustrated because he couldn't do something. Honestly, it reminded me of my daughter's "I wanna do it myself!" toddler behavior, but it was taking place in a 6 year old. I spent a lot of time defusing issues between him and the other children. It was rough.

At the end of class (this was AM kindergarten), he refused to do his work and was sitting in a chair away from the other students looking very mopey. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "I am just sad because I'm gonna miss you. You were very kind to me and most people are mean. I want you to go home with me!" and he started crying. I ran up to me and gave me this huge bear hug (he was strong!!) and cried and kept telling me how sad he was and asking when I could come back.

It was an emotional day.

In other news, business went really went over election weekend. Mi Amor tells me that our family is thrilled at the FMLN victory. Mi Amor was of the opinion that he didn't care as long as he made some money that weekend!

The chaos of holidays

The holidays are always a bit difficult for me... for a lot of people actually. This year is no different. Family drama abounds and I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does. I'm selfish and I want this Christmas to be peaceful and happy. I want my family to give each other the love each member deserves. I want the bickering to stop and for people to... dare I say it... get along!

I know it's a lot to ask. I know everyone goes through their own emotional stuff this time of year, but as I said, I'm being selfish. This is the last actual Christmas I'll spend with my US family for quite some time and I'd like everyone to just get over it, be happy we have each other and have that reflected in respectful and loving behavior!

Of course, this is always much easier said than done.

In other news, I'm still bitter about having to change La Hija's last name. I realize we would have had to do it sooner or later, but the fact that we can't name our daughter what we want to name her is ridiculous.

Updates n stuff...

So I'm here in Michigan, getting ready to depart one week from tomorrow and I'm looking forward leaving more than I can say. I've got a lot to do and so little time to do it in, but I'll do what I can and take care of the rest when I can.

I had a rather (un)pleasant conversation with a *cough* lovely lady at the consulate the other day and she informed me that because we "named [our] daughter wrong" the Salvadoran government thinks that "some other man is her father" so we have to change her last name. I was warned by some of you that it's never as easy as it may seem and that there may be more issues with naming that it first appears and you were right. I've got to do a birth certificate correction and then change her passport, but we'll deal with it when we can. Seriously, I was not at all pleased with the woman I spoke with... she was... not nice.

In other news, it is flippin COLD here.

Bit of business: Done.

So there was one last bit of serious business that needed to be taken care of before our departure for El Salvador: registering La Hija's birth with the Salvadoran consulate to get her birth certificate. Yes, this is certainly something that we could have accomplished in El Salvador, but Mi Amor was under the impression that it would take multiple visits to municipal offices there, whereas all it took (after I finally got copies of Mi Amor's identification papers from El Salvador) was a phone call, a fax, $15 and a letter here.

...and I had to decipher a Spanish form that didn't always make sense, but then again, what government forms do make sense -- regardless of language??

So, soon enough La Hija will be a dual citizen. Then, all we have to do is deal with getting residency papers for me, and that can't be done until I'm there... so, one less thing to worry about.

19 days until El Salvador!

Cleaning out the Kitchen

In a quest to utilize what I've got in my cabinets and freezer, I decided to spend the afternoon making Christmas present preserves. Last year I made cranberry apple butter, and it turned out well but was a bit sweet. I found two bags of cranberries and a bag of blueberries in my freezer today, so this year's concoction is blueberry cranberry apple butter. It's got a very nice tartness to it, so I'm pleased with the outcome. I ended up with 11 half pint jars, so that should do well for gift giving this year, and I may bring some for Thanksgiving next week.

Slowly but surely, I'm using up what I have in the apartment. Made some vegetarian lasagna this weekend, using up the few lasagna noodles and the frozen breaded eggplant I had. Part of me thinks that the fact I have to buy more in order to complete the dishes I'm making is a bit counterproductive, but I guess I'd typically have to go grocery shopping anyway, so whatever. The lasagna was amazing, by the way. I used some sundried tomatoes and these great olives I have... I had planned on using some artichoke hearts I've got in the fridge too, but I forgot. I guess those will have to go in salads or something. This weekend I also made the turnip, parsnip and carrot dish that I love, which used half the homemade chicken stock I have in the freezer. I made myself throw out the veggie scraps I had in the freezer, along with some fish that had some serious freezer burn. I'm not going to make stock again in the next month, especially since I won't even be home for most of next week.

Most of my holiday shopping is complete, just a few odds and ends to pick up and a lot of organization to do. At this point, I think I may only have one more box to send down to El Salvador. I may have another to send after Christmas, as I am guessing La Hija is going to get a bunch of toys... especially since I bought her some this weekend. I took her to the toy store and we roamed around and I bought her some of the things she went nutso over... she was content with only opening the Yo Gabba Gabba figures, and she's been obsessed with them ever since. She's requested that we watch the show constantly, which means I have to play the same two On Demand episodes over and over and over. Thankfully, she's consented to watch Jack's Big Music Show (which I love) a couple of times and I've snuck in an episode or two of Blues Clues, The Backyardigans and Dora, so I am not totally insane... yet.

I booked the rental truck for the move as well. Of course they always tell you that you're not guaranteed a truck, which flips me out, but I'll deal with whatever comes up. If I have to drive an hour to pick something up, I will.

The next big task at hand is to correct all the papers I have in my possession before class on Tuesday so I don't have anything pressing over Thanksgiving. We're heading up to Michigan and as much as I'd like to pretend I'll get something done while I'm up there, I know better. Most of our time will be spent relaxing and visiting with family. My aunt has arranged for La Hija to get a ton of photos taken, so she'll get to play dressup one day too--we'll see if she cooperates!

Anywho, I guess I should go to sleep. Must wake up early tomorrow and get some work done.

Through the eyes of a child...

I figured I'd pamper myself this evening and decided to use this brown mud masque on my face. After I'd applied it, La Hija came running over to me with this horrified look, pointed and me and screamed, "EEEEEEW! YOUR FACE!!!"

God I love her! :)