One of these days, we'll get it right.
We'll get it together
Together
And find strength and peace
In our years
Of sacrifice
And faith.
And together we'll prove the world wrong
And laugh in the face of this seemingly insurmountable difficulty.
We will survive this
Although today it may not seem so.
Although today we cry and scream
And tear our hair out
Because of the pain
Because of the fear
Because somehow, for some reason, it is always a terrible surprise
When we take our three... four... five steps back.
A surprise that steals your breath
And leaves you asking
Why, why, why?
Why now?
Why us?
Why this?
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
An update
Where to begin... I've been trying to sort out some health issues as of late. I've been catching every little bug around, it seems, and it'd started to become worrisome. I went to the doctor and got a few tests done, and everything looks good. We're attributing it to stress and depression and starting treatment for that.
Monday I ended up in the ER because I'd been running a fever over 103 degrees, my head was killing me and my body was so sore it hurt to move. After a gamut of blood tests, a CAT scan, and a spinal tap, they decided whatever I have is viral and isn't going to kill me, so I've just got to wait it out. I'm still running a fever, but I can keep it down by piggy-backing acetaminophen and ibuprofen. The only real problems at this point are keeping up with the meds to keep away the fever/pain, the cold sweat that comes along with breaking the fever, and the fact that I can't work... again.
I have to take my MI teacher certification test this Saturday. It's just the basic skills test so it shouldn't be a big deal.
Time to get some more rest.
Monday I ended up in the ER because I'd been running a fever over 103 degrees, my head was killing me and my body was so sore it hurt to move. After a gamut of blood tests, a CAT scan, and a spinal tap, they decided whatever I have is viral and isn't going to kill me, so I've just got to wait it out. I'm still running a fever, but I can keep it down by piggy-backing acetaminophen and ibuprofen. The only real problems at this point are keeping up with the meds to keep away the fever/pain, the cold sweat that comes along with breaking the fever, and the fact that I can't work... again.
I have to take my MI teacher certification test this Saturday. It's just the basic skills test so it shouldn't be a big deal.
Time to get some more rest.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Much on my mind
School is taking up a lot of my time these days. I forgot how much they can pack on the work and, of course, I'm a perfectionist, so assignments take me forever.
We drove down to Indiana this week for an interview at school. Evidently, I have some masochistic students and I am one of the nominees for adjunct instructor of the year. Between the prep work (an essay) I had to do for that, school work, and two days of driving, I was more than exhausted by the end of the week. I am going to try to get some sleep tonight. My stress level is a bit too high at present.
La Hija has been so testy lately. She gets angry and yells, "I miss my Daddy!!"
On one level, I know that she is pushing buttons because she does the same thing with just about everyone (Nuh-nuh, Papa, her aunts and uncles, grandma, grandpa... just about anyone who is not present. Heck, she will even tell me that she misses her mommy--and then she catches herself and laughs), but I also know there is truth to that.
I had hoped we could go back by May, but my aunt is getting married this summer and I need to be there, so it's looking like August now. I can't afford to be flying back and forth, pretending it doesn't cost ridiculous amounts of money.
I miss Mi Amor as well. We talk almost daily, but I miss his hugs. I miss kidding with him and laughing and seeing his smile. I miss watching him with his daughter. I miss helping him with the business.
Speaking of that, things are getting better, very slowly. He is making about half of what he needs to be making in order to support us. He says the economy is even worse there right now--which is something I can't even imagine. It doesn't surprise me though--they are dollarized. Their economy hinges on ours.
I have been thinking so much about starting up a business, but I have no idea how to begin learning about such things. I will need to learn about creating a business plan and all of those basics, and then I would need to figure out how to finance such a venture--even though it would take far less money to pull it off in El Salvador than it would elsewhere.
I'll put it on the list of things to do while I'm here.
We drove down to Indiana this week for an interview at school. Evidently, I have some masochistic students and I am one of the nominees for adjunct instructor of the year. Between the prep work (an essay) I had to do for that, school work, and two days of driving, I was more than exhausted by the end of the week. I am going to try to get some sleep tonight. My stress level is a bit too high at present.
La Hija has been so testy lately. She gets angry and yells, "I miss my Daddy!!"
On one level, I know that she is pushing buttons because she does the same thing with just about everyone (Nuh-nuh, Papa, her aunts and uncles, grandma, grandpa... just about anyone who is not present. Heck, she will even tell me that she misses her mommy--and then she catches herself and laughs), but I also know there is truth to that.
I had hoped we could go back by May, but my aunt is getting married this summer and I need to be there, so it's looking like August now. I can't afford to be flying back and forth, pretending it doesn't cost ridiculous amounts of money.
I miss Mi Amor as well. We talk almost daily, but I miss his hugs. I miss kidding with him and laughing and seeing his smile. I miss watching him with his daughter. I miss helping him with the business.
Speaking of that, things are getting better, very slowly. He is making about half of what he needs to be making in order to support us. He says the economy is even worse there right now--which is something I can't even imagine. It doesn't surprise me though--they are dollarized. Their economy hinges on ours.
I have been thinking so much about starting up a business, but I have no idea how to begin learning about such things. I will need to learn about creating a business plan and all of those basics, and then I would need to figure out how to finance such a venture--even though it would take far less money to pull it off in El Salvador than it would elsewhere.
I'll put it on the list of things to do while I'm here.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Reality sinks in quickly
I’d like to say that my first week and a half in El Salvador has been blissful and without stress… that a return to standardized married life has gone without a hitch… that I am comfortable and integrating seamlessly, but unfortunately that’s just not reality.
Every other time I’ve been here there has been a definite return date. I had the security of two jobs I enjoyed, a reliable car and a tiny, yet comfortable apartment. We had a routine. There was stability and familiarity and I was secure. Now I’ve quit my jobs, moved out of my apartment and have all but sold the car. I have nothing to go back to if this fails, and that terrifies me.
I had my first taste of the reality of family decision making as well. I’d bought a car and Mi Amor was financing a truck. The thought behind two vehicles, beyond giving me some much desired independence, was so I could work. Well, work has been put off for at least a few months because of some upcoming festivals, and we were met with an offer: if we gave back the new truck and sold my car at a profit, we could buy another truck (not new, but in great condition) and only owe $1000… bringing the car payments down $100/mo and owning the truck free and clear in a handful of months. Unfortunately, it made too much economic sense to keep my car, but that decision makes me feel trapped.
It’s crazy though. I mean, where would I go? In all actuality, that car would very likely be sitting there unused, but it was still some security for me.
To say I feel isolated already would be an understatement. I am trying to get going with my Spanish, but the language barrier paired with the fact that the only people I know are family members is already causing a bit of frustration. I have never felt so dependent on someone else and as much as Mi Amor loves me, he doesn’t quite get how difficult that is for me sometimes.
Then there’s the whole problem with the two of us adjusting to coupled life again… remembering to take someone else into consideration when you’re not used to having to do so can be a bit of a bugger too.
My main problem, and I’m guessing at this, is that I had this idea of what an amazing reunion we’d have, and life got in the way. I should have known it would be a struggle from the start… letting go of my life in the US was too easy. It should have been much more stressful. Evidently, the stress is just coming into play now.
On a few positive notes, the business is doing really, really well. I’m enjoying the novelty of water reservoirs, having little to no water pressure during the day, relatively chilly military-style showers and cheap cell phones. The oppressive heat and the mosquitoes, I could handle less of, but that’s another post all together.
La Hija loves having her daddy around as well, but is having some adjustment issues too. She’s over the language thing and is soaking up Spanish like a sponge. She does, however, miss her friends and family very much and asks to see them constantly.
As of right now, I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to be positive. I mean, come on. I’ve only been here for 10 days!!
I had my first taste of the reality of family decision making as well. I’d bought a car and Mi Amor was financing a truck. The thought behind two vehicles, beyond giving me some much desired independence, was so I could work. Well, work has been put off for at least a few months because of some upcoming festivals, and we were met with an offer: if we gave back the new truck and sold my car at a profit, we could buy another truck (not new, but in great condition) and only owe $1000… bringing the car payments down $100/mo and owning the truck free and clear in a handful of months. Unfortunately, it made too much economic sense to keep my car, but that decision makes me feel trapped.
It’s crazy though. I mean, where would I go? In all actuality, that car would very likely be sitting there unused, but it was still some security for me.
To say I feel isolated already would be an understatement. I am trying to get going with my Spanish, but the language barrier paired with the fact that the only people I know are family members is already causing a bit of frustration. I have never felt so dependent on someone else and as much as Mi Amor loves me, he doesn’t quite get how difficult that is for me sometimes.
Then there’s the whole problem with the two of us adjusting to coupled life again… remembering to take someone else into consideration when you’re not used to having to do so can be a bit of a bugger too.
My main problem, and I’m guessing at this, is that I had this idea of what an amazing reunion we’d have, and life got in the way. I should have known it would be a struggle from the start… letting go of my life in the US was too easy. It should have been much more stressful. Evidently, the stress is just coming into play now.
On a few positive notes, the business is doing really, really well. I’m enjoying the novelty of water reservoirs, having little to no water pressure during the day, relatively chilly military-style showers and cheap cell phones. The oppressive heat and the mosquitoes, I could handle less of, but that’s another post all together.
La Hija loves having her daddy around as well, but is having some adjustment issues too. She’s over the language thing and is soaking up Spanish like a sponge. She does, however, miss her friends and family very much and asks to see them constantly.
As of right now, I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to be positive. I mean, come on. I’ve only been here for 10 days!!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Updates n stuff...
So I'm here in Michigan, getting ready to depart one week from tomorrow and I'm looking forward leaving more than I can say. I've got a lot to do and so little time to do it in, but I'll do what I can and take care of the rest when I can.
I had a rather (un)pleasant conversation with a *cough* lovely lady at the consulate the other day and she informed me that because we "named [our] daughter wrong" the Salvadoran government thinks that "some other man is her father" so we have to change her last name. I was warned by some of you that it's never as easy as it may seem and that there may be more issues with naming that it first appears and you were right. I've got to do a birth certificate correction and then change her passport, but we'll deal with it when we can. Seriously, I was not at all pleased with the woman I spoke with... she was... not nice.
In other news, it is flippin COLD here.
I had a rather (un)pleasant conversation with a *cough* lovely lady at the consulate the other day and she informed me that because we "named [our] daughter wrong" the Salvadoran government thinks that "some other man is her father" so we have to change her last name. I was warned by some of you that it's never as easy as it may seem and that there may be more issues with naming that it first appears and you were right. I've got to do a birth certificate correction and then change her passport, but we'll deal with it when we can. Seriously, I was not at all pleased with the woman I spoke with... she was... not nice.
In other news, it is flippin COLD here.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Over the edge
Well, I think it's happened. I think I've officially been overcome by stress.
There's too much to think about and I've got too much to do in the next week. I'm leaving Indiana 1 week from tomorrow.
1 week.
And I am not packed.
And I still have to work.
And I have to sell my car (which is not paid off).
...and pay bills with a rather pitiful savings.
car: $390
insurance: $111
student loans $200
credit cards: $100 (which is paying over the minimum, but the point is to pay them off, right?)
that's a total of $801 a month... and $501 of that is for a car I won't even be driving!!!!!
Seriously folks, I'm stressed.
And let's talk about how clearheaded I absolutely wasn't during the planning of this move:
There's too much to think about and I've got too much to do in the next week. I'm leaving Indiana 1 week from tomorrow.
1 week.
And I am not packed.
And I still have to work.
And I have to sell my car (which is not paid off).
...and pay bills with a rather pitiful savings.
car: $390
insurance: $111
student loans $200
credit cards: $100 (which is paying over the minimum, but the point is to pay them off, right?)
that's a total of $801 a month... and $501 of that is for a car I won't even be driving!!!!!
Seriously folks, I'm stressed.
And let's talk about how clearheaded I absolutely wasn't during the planning of this move:
- I overbought things that I could have waited on: I'm planning a trip back to the US in the summer!
- I didn't really think about the fact that it would likely cost just as much to move via shipping boxes down than it would have to hire an international mover, and I'd have less to show for it: lesson learned. Move on.
- Choosing to move post Christmas was idiotic. Let's think about this: the holidays are typically the most stressful time of year for folks (on multiple levels), and moving is supposed to be one of the most stressful events people can go through in their lives (ranks up there with divorce and having a new child, if I remember correctly). There I go just putting them both right together... and yet, I ask myself why my savings is half of what I wanted it to be before I left... seriously, I'm ridiculous!
I don't want it to sound like I'm not happy and looking forward to this move. I am, more than I can explain... I just wish I didn't let my emotions cloud my thinking so much...
This too shall pass... and it will work out. It always does.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Muddled, mixed-up me
I've wanted to post something for quite some time and just haven't been able to sit down to do it. Things are hectic, I'm over-emotional, overwhelmed, over stretched and all around ready to move. If there is one thing I've always detested, it's being in limbo. That "In Between" space is so uncomfortable to me... and I've been here for 2 years, but the discomfort is intensifying as of late. Yes, I still belong here... sort of. I'm still working, I've got to finish up my classes and I've got to pack up everything. I've also got some time to spend with my US family over the holidays. That is a good thing, I know. I'm just ready to be with Mi Amor.
I'm tired. I'm tired of single parenting... tired of being alone... tired of living without my mate.... tired of trying to explain to La Hija why she can't see Daddy when she wants to... and really tired of trying to explain to people what life will be like down there before I even get there. People want to know when I'll be coming back for a visit, what my work schedule will be like, how we are going to deal with child care, how we are going to deal with Mi Amor's work schedule... they want answers to all of these things that I don't have answers to yet and dealing with all of these questions is.... emotionally exhausting.
I feel like I have all of these obligations to my family... to spend as much time with them as possible... but I'm spreading myself a bit too thin. This will all be over soon enough and I'll have some time to unwind and relax after I get to El Salvador.......... that is, unless I'm teaching on online class....... oy.
23 days and counting.
I'm tired. I'm tired of single parenting... tired of being alone... tired of living without my mate.... tired of trying to explain to La Hija why she can't see Daddy when she wants to... and really tired of trying to explain to people what life will be like down there before I even get there. People want to know when I'll be coming back for a visit, what my work schedule will be like, how we are going to deal with child care, how we are going to deal with Mi Amor's work schedule... they want answers to all of these things that I don't have answers to yet and dealing with all of these questions is.... emotionally exhausting.
I feel like I have all of these obligations to my family... to spend as much time with them as possible... but I'm spreading myself a bit too thin. This will all be over soon enough and I'll have some time to unwind and relax after I get to El Salvador.......... that is, unless I'm teaching on online class....... oy.
23 days and counting.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Things are coming together...
I had to take a break from the blogosphere for a while... all the politics were beginning to wear down on my delicate sensibilities. I get really emotional about some things, and the state of the world that we live in is definitely one of them. Discord hurts me more than it should. I can deal with conflict and certainly love a good debate, but when there is hatred involved I don't do well.
Anyway, I'm glad the intensity has turned down a bit. Now I just need to stop reading things I know will rile me up, like Internet commentary on the election results. I am appalled at the lack of basic respect people can have for each other. Seriously.
So things are smoothing out with the move, slowly but surely. Mi Amor got us a new house in the city I wanted to live in!! It's got 4 bedrooms, 3 of which have bathrooms, which is excellent since we will have some of his friends/employees living with us for the time being. I have mixed feelings about it but got used to living with people during my college years so I can learn to deal with it again, I hope. The main thing I require (and I've said this) is that there are established boundaries and that we have some private space. Of course, Mi Amor has thought about this and actually laughed when I brought it up. "You're my wife! Of course we are going to have some privacy!!" he said. We'll deal with it as it comes. Right now, the most important things to me are that we are together and that we are saving money in every way possible. I don't want to rent forever.
My mom is coming for a short visit on Monday, which is very cool. There was a questions of whether or not she'd come down and I was very upset by that. She lives in The Netherlands at present and I was having a really hard time with the thought that she would be an 8 hr drive away for 10 days but wouldn't come to see me... especially since it was my birthday a few days ago and I was feeling that ache of loneliness that always seems to rear its ugly head around special occasions.
Basically, I moved to this small Indiana city (town) to be closer to my mom but her husband got a European job transfer a year ago. So, for about a year now I've been pretty isolated and without any sort of family support--my nearest family member is a 4 1/2 hr drive away. My parents have some friends who would help me in an emergency, and I have made a few very close friends here, but they are few and far between. It has been a serious lesson in self-sufficiency and I have learned what I am made of.
So tomorrow I am packing more and putting some stuff together which I hope to talk my mom into bringing back to Michigan for me. I really need some more space in this little hole of an apartment. It's getting a bit too crowded in here for me!
Anyway, I'm glad the intensity has turned down a bit. Now I just need to stop reading things I know will rile me up, like Internet commentary on the election results. I am appalled at the lack of basic respect people can have for each other. Seriously.
So things are smoothing out with the move, slowly but surely. Mi Amor got us a new house in the city I wanted to live in!! It's got 4 bedrooms, 3 of which have bathrooms, which is excellent since we will have some of his friends/employees living with us for the time being. I have mixed feelings about it but got used to living with people during my college years so I can learn to deal with it again, I hope. The main thing I require (and I've said this) is that there are established boundaries and that we have some private space. Of course, Mi Amor has thought about this and actually laughed when I brought it up. "You're my wife! Of course we are going to have some privacy!!" he said. We'll deal with it as it comes. Right now, the most important things to me are that we are together and that we are saving money in every way possible. I don't want to rent forever.
My mom is coming for a short visit on Monday, which is very cool. There was a questions of whether or not she'd come down and I was very upset by that. She lives in The Netherlands at present and I was having a really hard time with the thought that she would be an 8 hr drive away for 10 days but wouldn't come to see me... especially since it was my birthday a few days ago and I was feeling that ache of loneliness that always seems to rear its ugly head around special occasions.
Basically, I moved to this small Indiana city (town) to be closer to my mom but her husband got a European job transfer a year ago. So, for about a year now I've been pretty isolated and without any sort of family support--my nearest family member is a 4 1/2 hr drive away. My parents have some friends who would help me in an emergency, and I have made a few very close friends here, but they are few and far between. It has been a serious lesson in self-sufficiency and I have learned what I am made of.
So tomorrow I am packing more and putting some stuff together which I hope to talk my mom into bringing back to Michigan for me. I really need some more space in this little hole of an apartment. It's getting a bit too crowded in here for me!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I'm going to have to bury my head in the sand soon...
I don't know how much more of this I can take. The more I pay attention to what people are saying around me (such as, "with all these illegals voting, who knows if we can have a fair election" and "if Obama wins, it's just because of all the illegals" and other nonsense... like claiming this is going to be the "first racist election in history because of all the 1st time black voters"), the more I seriously want to fight people. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I may look mean, what with all the tattoos and my perpetual scowl, but I'm really a pacifist... but these people make me want to punch them in the head to attempt to knock some sense into them.
I really had to control myself today... especially because this lady complaining about "those illegals voting" was standing behind me in the early voting line. Seeing that I was visibly shaken by this woman's comments (and plotting how I could correct her ignoramus comment without punctuating it with a right hook), this lovely older woman in front of me started talking with me about how she remembered her grandmother talking about how everyone used to be "racist against the Irish too" and we agreed that immigrant populations always seem to face bigots in this country. I made a few comments about how my husband is Latino and we've experienced a lot of racism here (among other things). Needless to say, Little Ms. "Oh My God! Illegals Are Going To Elect A Black Man!!" refrained from speaking to me for the rest of our wait. Thank god!
I'm going to have to take a break from politics now that I've done my civic duty and gotten my vote on. I'll leave the rest of my anxiety for election night.
I really had to control myself today... especially because this lady complaining about "those illegals voting" was standing behind me in the early voting line. Seeing that I was visibly shaken by this woman's comments (and plotting how I could correct her ignoramus comment without punctuating it with a right hook), this lovely older woman in front of me started talking with me about how she remembered her grandmother talking about how everyone used to be "racist against the Irish too" and we agreed that immigrant populations always seem to face bigots in this country. I made a few comments about how my husband is Latino and we've experienced a lot of racism here (among other things). Needless to say, Little Ms. "Oh My God! Illegals Are Going To Elect A Black Man!!" refrained from speaking to me for the rest of our wait. Thank god!
I'm going to have to take a break from politics now that I've done my civic duty and gotten my vote on. I'll leave the rest of my anxiety for election night.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Moving (the complicated and annoying way)
The overly complicated nature of this move weighs on me much of the time. I'm a college instructor and our semester doesn't end until the week of December 20th. We fly out 10 days later, and I will be expected to spend every waking (and resting) moment with various clusters of family--especially considering La Hija's presence is coveted by... well, everyone. Such is life with a charming 2 year old.
What complicates matters even more is that I don't live in the same state as the majority of my family--anything I'd like to keep (store) must be moved 8 hrs away, so it's not just a simple matter of vacating our apartment. Then there's the question of whether or not I need to actually change my official residence and get a new license before I head off.
This stuff gives me a headache.
On a positive note, I've officially started mailing boxes of random stuff to El Capitán. Two boxes out so far. Who knows how many will eventually go via mail, as luggage is limited due to excess baggage embargoes. Even if we could bring extra bags, I don't know if I would considering how ridiculously fee-happy airlines are right now. Being the wonderful man that he is, Mi Amor keeps gently reminding me that I don't need to send things that we can replace there, but I'm having difficulty with emerging emotional attachments to the most random things: a blender/food processor combo that my mom had gotten us when I was pregnant, for example. Rationally, I understand that we could get another one; emotionally, I don't care and sent it because I want that one.
Evidently, moving out of the country is turning me even more wonky than I am by nature.
What complicates matters even more is that I don't live in the same state as the majority of my family--anything I'd like to keep (store) must be moved 8 hrs away, so it's not just a simple matter of vacating our apartment. Then there's the question of whether or not I need to actually change my official residence and get a new license before I head off.
This stuff gives me a headache.
On a positive note, I've officially started mailing boxes of random stuff to El Capitán. Two boxes out so far. Who knows how many will eventually go via mail, as luggage is limited due to excess baggage embargoes. Even if we could bring extra bags, I don't know if I would considering how ridiculously fee-happy airlines are right now. Being the wonderful man that he is, Mi Amor keeps gently reminding me that I don't need to send things that we can replace there, but I'm having difficulty with emerging emotional attachments to the most random things: a blender/food processor combo that my mom had gotten us when I was pregnant, for example. Rationally, I understand that we could get another one; emotionally, I don't care and sent it because I want that one.
Evidently, moving out of the country is turning me even more wonky than I am by nature.
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